What? No Whale Penis for my SUV?
We reported back in October about the Russian automakers who announced that their absurdly powerful and ludicrously pimped-out new SUV would feature ultra-soft seats upholstered with whale penis leather. We thought this was a bit of a dickish move, and so did a lot of environmental groups, who have been bombarding the company with angry mail about staying away from Free Willy’s willy. Even Pamela Anderson hopped on the outrage-wagon and sent the company some nasty criticisms. Fortunately for the whales, the company caved and announced that they no longer would offer the whale penis leather option.
There will be no whale penis leather SUVs after all... phew!
Free Willy: Another Whale Penis Saved
The automakers, Dartz (formerly known as RussoBaltic) who once designed vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin, and Leon Trotsky, wanted to produce the most luxurious SUV the world had ever seen. And for them, nothing screams “luxury” more than cutting off a whale’s penis. Fortunately, Pamela Anderson’s incessant lobbying forced them to keep their murderous paws away from Moby’s Dick. They released this statement—not in very good English—which features a hilarious shout out to the whales of the world at the end. Please forgive the spelling mistakes:
“We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want – to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. [...] All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBalt).
We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed (sic) whale penis leathure (sic) when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure (sic) at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”
These seats are now free of whale penis leather
All we can say is that we’re glad they saw the light and chose to save the whales (penis). Something tells us though, that the only people who are going to sit on these dick-free seats are going to be huge dicks themselves. With issues about their penis size. Just saying.
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