Top 10 Ways to Make Your Penis Seem Bigger

(Without Penis Enlargement)
In these troubled economic times, a lot of men who would otherwise be interested in spending money on penis enlargement pumps, pills, and extenders are finding that such purchases would be financially unrealistic. But that doesn’t change the ever-present desire for a big cock. That’s why many men are turning to some cost-saving alternatives to established penis enlargement methods that don’t quite give you a huge dick, but can at least give the appearance that you have one. Thankfully, we’ve compiled this informative list of the top 10 ways to make your penis seem bigger—without penis enlargement. These are some failsafe methods of tricking the world into thinking you’re Ron Jeremy without breaking the bank.

10. Wear makeup on your cock. Cock makeup is a new and popular method of virtual penis enlargement employed by many forward-thinking men. By adding some strategic color and definition to your tool, you can make it more noticeable and thus appear bigger.

9. Cucumber in your pants. This one’s a classic. Since time immemorial, man has put phallic objects like cucumbers, bananas, rolled up sport socks, etc, in the crotch of their pants to make it seem like they were packing a giant dong. Plus, cucumbers are available for mere pennies—much less than costly penis enlargement surgery.

8. Reverse psychology. Keep downplaying the size of your penis, and folks’ll think you’re trying to cover up for the fact that you have a massive shlong. One of the oldest tricks in the book.

7. Smoke and mirrors. By rigging an elaborate series of mirrors in the bedroom as well as a smoke machine to disorient your lover—plus it’s good for ambiance—you can harness the wisdom of classic illusionists from the past to create the convincing illusion of a huge penis today.

6. Dramatically trim your pubes. If you get rid of all of your pubes except for a dainty little triangle above your junk, it will give the illusion of a superior package. Trust us.

5. Secret strap-on. This one only works with the lights out. As soon as you’ve got your partner in the mood, switch off the lights and strap on the biggest rubber dildo you can find. She’ll think you’ve got a huge weenis! Just be sure to stash it in the bedside table before the lights come back on or else she might be scared off by your giant shiny florescent purple glitter cock.

4. Leave fabricated scientific literature lying around. If you leave a counterfeit issue of Science Journal with “data” about how the average erect penis size is 2 inches in clear view on the coffee table for your girlfriend to find, she might believe it and think that she’s dating a very well-endowed gentleman. This one will probably only work if her sexual history consists exclusively of you and a series of failed relationships with munchkins.

3. Walk with a hunch. If you make yourself seem much shorter than you actually are by walking with a hunch, your penis size relative to your height will seem significantly bigger. Works especially well on girls with a Quasimodo fetish.

2. Lighting tricks. Keep it simple, stupid. This is a trick that filmmakers have known forever. If you want to make something seem imposing, just light it from the right angle and it will appear way more in-your-face and larger-than-life. Just place a flashlight shining upwards about one foot below your package whenever you want to impress someone with it. Also good for telling ghost stories around the campfire.

1. Paper mache cod piece. If you’ve been to grade school art class, you’ll know that paper mache is cheap, easy, and fun. Plus, it’s the perfect medium for fashioning your very own lifelike penis extension cod piece. Once it dries, you can paint it however you like and add all sorts of authentic penile details. Just remember to make it easy to remove, because you’re not going to want to be forced to wiz in there.

From Spinal Tap we find an example of the metal cod piece

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